Thursday, April 21, 2011

Heartbreak & Joy....Sometimes Happen Together

Have you ever experienced deep sadness that catches you off guard and then simultaneous joy? 

This morning I stood at Aaron's bedside as I do most every morning to encourage him to get ready for school.

(I learned from my husband that my way of getting the kids up is completely dysfunctional.  He sings funny and sweet songs to them....many days they wake up to Zippity Doo Dah or What'd That Baby Do (that one is to the tune of my cell phone morning alarm)....Rick sure knows the sweeter and kinder way to wake a sleeping child who does not want to get out of their warm bed to get dressed for school.  "It is 7:40, now get up" just isn't near as effective as Rick's methods....so I too have changed my morning greetings.)

Daddy had already been singing when I entered Aaron's room.  After tickling his back, I told Aaron that he has three days off school coming and on Sunday the Easter Bunny would be visiting.  Earlier in the week Aaron announced that he believes the Easter Bunny is a fable.  So this morning while spending a few quiet and treasured moments sitting on his bedside, I told him it was ok to believe the Easter Bunny is a fable....but that I'd like him to keep that to himself and not share it with Zach.  Aaron smiled and agreed.

The very next second....and even while typing this now....all I could do was cry.  My sweet precious son....my first natural born child....is growing up....right before my eyes and it won't be long that Zach too  will announce that the Easter Bunny is a fable.....My babies aren't babies any more.

Why sadness?  I don't really know....perhaps because I can remember the first moment of each of their lives and almost all of those moments afterwards up to this very day and this morning I saw my "baby" laying in his bed....nearly taking up the entire twin bed....top to bottom....with his long legs still snuggling with his Tiggy.....the stuffie he has had since he was a baby.....8 1/2 years later.....Aaron still loves his Tiggy and I love that he loves Tiggy and still sleeps with him every night.  My baby....is not a baby any more.....and call me hormonal....silly....or just a Mom who dearly loves this journey as a Mother and is turning a corner.....what a wonderful gift it is being their Mom....the Joy is overwhelming and the Joy also brings tears.....a transformation....an Easter transformation....interesting isn't it?

It was not that long ago that I was dreaming of being a Mother.  I remember thinking I'd never lie to my children....never tell them Santa was real or that the Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy were coming....and then it just happened....I never really told them they were not real....I just didn't say anything.  When Aaron asked who Santa is....I told him, "Santa is a friend of God" and I left it at that.  I say the same thing about the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and any other childhood magic that comes along.....they are all just friends of God here to love you and bring you some joy and a little fun.

I asked Zach what he want he thought the Easter Bunny would bring him, in a quiet moment we shared before he left for school this morning.  Zach said, "Chocolate."  Then he followed with...."I hope he brings Pokemon cards too."  This is most likely the beginning of a new chapter of our lives as a family.

Why am I sharing all of this with you....you may be wondering......I guess because I am moved to share those times when I  feel so deeply real....like I'm touching the strings that bind humanity....when I feel most connected to other Mothers and those who have nurtured someone....it is sort of like The Resurrection?   New life.....a re-life....a coming back to life.....or coming back to the life within us....one another?  Perhaps a stirring of new growth...Spring....maybe the dawn of a new awareness.....I'm not a religious person....I call myself a person of deep faith without a religion.....this morning I am taken aback by the commonality of these events coinciding.  I blog/write to share common interests, experiences, and pleasures....to connect with others....to share processes....so why not include this one too, right?

This Easter I will marvel ....this process....the joys of being with the family I love so very much.....and I will believe that this is universal....and that the power of Love and Joy is what will bind all of us together.....the stitches of our lives....with a unique quilted patchwork of faces and experiences....May you have a wonderful weekend and if it includes Chocolate....enjoy every second of it :)

"Babies who are no longer Babies"

Smiles,
Kelly
PS...I hope this all makes some sense....I'm not going to edit and re-edit....the essence is what is important to me to share....so if something doesn't seem to flow or make sense....just fill in the blanks and pretend it all makes sense....that's what I do ...then I giggle :)

31 comments:

  1. Thanks for this great post, Kelly. I understand completely - my youngest chld is graduating from college in 3 weeks, and she will be moving out of state (3 hours away). I know this is where she is meant to be, but I will certainly miss her!!

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  2. They grow up so fast. All of my"babies" (nieces and nephews have grown up. I feel like I missed too much of it. Enjoy every minute of it that you can

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  3. What a beautiful post. It truly is bittersweet to watch our children grow. We're so proud of them and yet we miss the little ones. Get used to it - when Aaron becomes a teenager you'll be missing this innocent 8 1/2 year old... an adult you'll cry for the teenager. I love your explanation "friends of God ..." Thank you for sharing.

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  4. You are killing me.....I didn't know you were going to bring me to tears.....

    I think what you are experiences is what all of us mothers experience. When my last son turned 12 I cried....and then I started putting my attention in to quilting.....when I had the time. My babies no longer needed me. So I think we all understand.

    and...sorry, I could nto finish your post...too many tears.

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  5. Loved the post! I'm so not ready for my babies - 5 and 2 year old boys to grow up and not be babies anymore. Though, in a way I suppose they always will be my babies, and they're already so grown up compared to each day/week/month/year before!

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  6. Beautiful to share your feelings. Any Mother would understand and be moved by your post. Thanks.

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  7. Hi Kelly, it really does make a lot of sense. I have been having the same feelings but as a Grandma. I just loved my kids so much I didn't think I could love anyone anymore but grandchildren came along and stole my heart.They are such a joy i my life. Recently we moved to be near and help I with my grandson Jonah who is four and also blind.Heartbreak and Joy, this was the best thing we have ever done and I thank God everyday for helping me make this decision. I have him three days a week and they are my favourite days. I have another grandson who is 3 1/2 and I just don't see as much of him for lots of reasons beyond my control but I spoil him when he comes to visit. We just have to enjoy every moment with them, Thanks and Happy Easter. Blessings Sandra

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  8. Awwwww...that's what puppies are for! They'll lick those tears and chase those blues straight away!

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  9. Kelly, it was beautiful. I am right there with you. My 6 year old knows that mommy is the Easter Bunny. I was not able to keep up the charade as long with her as I was with my older daughter. But we still enjoy the Easter Bunny. We do celebrate the Resurrection and Easter is such a special time for us. My heart struggles with my children growing up as well. This will be the first Easter that our oldest, India, will not be with us for Easter. She lives in Anaheim and works at Disneyland. She is helping to make magic for other children now. Sigh. Watching them grow up is so hard but such a big blessing.

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  10. Mine are past the holiday fun and into cynical, lol.
    I do miss the magical moments when they were young and everything seemed more special and filled with the magic of believing.

    Debbie

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  11. My dad and I were talking on the phone yesterday and commenting how time flys My grandson is turning six in December and starting Kindergarden. It feels like just yesterday he was a baby in my arms.

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  12. Sweet, sweet memories. Hang on to them. It all goes too fast. My youngest Grandchild will be 8 on the 25th.

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  13. Kelly, I understand where you are - I've been there five times with my grown children and then now I have nine beautiful grandchildren, ages 14 to 1. I watch all their different levels and steps they are taking toward adulthood. It is amazing.
    Don't feel foolish. I always felt so silly when mine were taking the steps yours are. But my friends weren't the exact type of mother you and I are. There is a difference, but my children were why I was born, I've alwaus believed and for these grandchildren. I would step in front of a bus, if it would save one. My children know how much I love their children and they appreciate knowing I am there for them and their children.
    Thanks for your lovely blog. I loved it.
    Hugs to you,
    Jackie in Texas
    jackiemorgan02@yahoo.com

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  14. Kelly, I understand where you are now because I have been there. All those milestones and then the ones that aren't "milestones" but really are major steps out of childhood.
    I loved reading your thoughts and realizing they mirrored my own.
    This is why I love the blogs. There are some lovely pieces written on them.
    Have a Happy Easter with your darlings.
    Jackie in Texas
    jackiemorgan02@yahoo.com

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  15. It all makes sense! You're a Mom. Treasure this time because it's very short. They are chasing you for now and then there is one dreaded day when you and your husband will be chasing them. So when they want Mommy take time. My boys are grown and out of the house--oh how I miss them when they were little :)

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  16. My sweet friend, I just have to tell you, it only gets worse!! My youngest is finishing his first year of college, and it just cannot be!!! I mean he was just born, like yesterday. The years have just flown by. That's why I always tell young Moms, enjoy your children. Yes there are hard times and you can get discouraged, but cherish each moment, because the time is fleeting. When you are in the middle of diapers, it seems like that time will never end. Then it's homework and all the drama of teen years. But how I miss it ALL. Hang in there sweet girl. You are doing a great job with these precious boys. One day they will pull back away from you, and believe me that one is the biggie. But they come back after they discover who they are. Enjoy your sweet memories, and the chocolate :-)

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  17. You make complete and total sense! As a mom, I can feel exactly what you're going through. It's like the end of an era. The good thing is that there is still something new that you'll be able to see your boys experience. I also have 2 boys, ages 21 and 31 (they'll always be "my boys" to me), and while they've grown up on me without permission, I still get to be a mom. Get to love them, hug them, and support them. Is it different than when they were 4 and 14? Certainly. But it's still very wonderful!

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  18. Great post, Kelly, thanks for sharing with us! AS my son was growing up I would think, He's so big! then stop myself and say, he'll never be this small again. That helped me to keep it in perspective.

    p.s. My little guy pointed out yesterday that he is taller than I am and he needed new shoes--a size 12! Don't blink! A 15-year-old is right around the corner!

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  19. Ah, those sweet memories. But now with my youngest having turned 31, it's also nice to be able to reminisce together about those times. Even though my kids now have kids of their own, those memories are still very real. And I'm looking forward to more good memories to come. Beautiful Easter post!

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  20. I understand completely. While they may all too soon learn the truth about some fables, may they also learn that there is love firmly embedded in such tradition.
    Enjoy!

    SewCalGal
    www.sewcalgal.blogspot.com

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  21. I feel ya girl! My first born is 20 and recently decided to make me a Nana. I still look at him and wonder...when did he grow up? There are days when I want them to be kids again but for the most part it has been a joy watching him become a man...and his sister is just behind him at 15 almost 16...then what? Oh yeah...empty nest wah hoo!!!!hehehe

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  22. A wonderful and touching post. My 'baby' is finishing college next month and is moving away. My other daughter is getting married next summer. I just don't know how all that happened so fast. Treasure the moments.

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  23. I know exactly what you are saying. Watching our children grow is the most wonderful thing and the saddest. The miracle is that it just gets better and harder. So many milestones, pride and tears. That's how you know you're doing it right.

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  24. So right. So very, very right. Blessings, K.

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  25. The essence is they will always be "your little boys". My 6 foot 2, 20 year old asked me yesterday if he needed to put out a basket for the Easter bunny to visit. I told him he'd better find a basket. It's already out and waiting.

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  26. Well you made me cry this morning - both sad and happy tears - I've felt the exact same thing. My babies are almost grown, and I still remember clearly holding them as infants, how they clung to me as toddlers, those first steps away from me. It's a joyful, heartbreaking journey.

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  27. ahhhh each moment will be as precious as the next.I know it seems that they are growing faster than you can imagine...but what does stay with you forever and a day are those precious memories that you can go back anytime and relive again and again.
    It truly is a gift to put your heart to a page that is written from your heart...

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  28. Enjoy every moment and record it in your heart. If you think your children are fun, just wait until it's grandchildren! The time passes so quickly on both, and now my "baby" is a middle-aged woman with a teenager and a pre-schooler, who are growing up far too fast for either of us!

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  29. Kelly, I've been so busy I only just now found your post. I had to wipe away tears just to see the keyboard again. Thanks, friend, for such a special post. You have voiced special feelings that most of us as mothers have felt. Those of us who love deeply and fiercely, and would do anything for those entrusted to us. One of the ladies above my comment mentioned a time when we parents will be chasing them. So true. Thank you again.
    Jacque in SC
    quiltnsrep(at)yahoo(dot)com

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  30. I love your sharing this with us! I have felt this way at different times during my kids growing up too. As for Santa and the EB and such, to this day, my kids never acknowledge anything other than that Santa is "real". It is funny but they keep up the "I believe" factor of the season (even at 20, 23 and 26!, years not months!!). As for the Eb, we always had the oldest "help" by being able to hide the eggs for the younger kids, thus becoming the EB. It was a fun tradition.

    I hope to see you at market very soon, are you going? I will email you my cell so we can be in touch. Are you going to the blogger's meet up?? Get your tickets today at 11 if so!!

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Thank you for reading the IHAN Blog. I read every comment that is left here however I will not be responding to all coments for giveaways. There are times when I am juggling many tasks at one time and may not reply to all comments. Please e-mail me at IHaveANotion@yahoo.com if you need a reply quickly. I thank you for your understanding.
Smiles,
Kelly

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